Diario 12 de agosto

Hoy me siento como "adentro del clóset" porque puedo explorar mi universo interior y ver mi grandeza, mis garras, mis sueños, mi fuerza, mi pasion por vivir, por explorar, y mi motor que me impulsa a seguir mi intuición. Veo mis verdades, mi inspiración que es la leña del fuego que me hace DESEAR VIVIR Y ESTAR VIVA. Veo mi carácter...mi sentido del humor... Mi nerviosismo, mi versatilidad, mi encanto... Mi suavidad..mi mente analitica...la magia.

Veo todas estas cosas y hoy me siento en un closet porque quiero que me digan que si !!!! Q si es posible!! Que nada me pone freno. El colega (padre de mi hijo y mi presunta pareja) habla cosas sobre nuestro futuro que aunque racionalmente suenen cuerdas y requerimietos muy tradicionales...a mi mi suena aburrido...a play it safe. Y me amarga un poco la vida pensar que luche toda mi vida para salir de ahi, para estar donde estoy hoy, para encontrarme ahora denuevo con esa voz tradicional y aburrida del "deber ser". Puede ser que el lo diga y finalmente no sea asi .. que sea como yo. Quizas lo dice porque tiene miedo de ser tan libre... Pero se le va a pasar...o quizas yo me voy a liberar de el con ayuda del universo. Sea cual sea el camino... vida hermosa te pido porfavor que con gracia y agilidad me Permitas desarrollar todo este Universo Interior y poder VIVIR MIS SUEÑOS por siempre, hasta el ultimo dia de mi vida....que esto nunca termine. Esta libertad, esta pasión... Y vamos por mas!!!
Por favor no quiero ser esclava, no quiero tener que huir de la esclavitud sino con gracia siempre estar volando ...nunca  detenerme. No quiero que la libertad y los sueños sean una guerra...sino un florecer siempre presente...una expresion, un despertar, un amanecer, un vuelo en la mañana...algo natural.


Te amo Vida,
Ayudame a confiar en ti

MOTHERHOOD, LOSS OF IDENTITY

All I know at the moment is that I have no clue about who I am, what am I supposed to be doing to be happy or where did my old self go. I'll explain. A lot of people I see on social media, like instagram seems to have their life figured out and they like to give a lot of advice. I've also done the same in the past. You think you've reached somewhere in life so you think you know something relevant for others to know as well, like a bit of wisdom. However, becoming a mother for me has been the biggest change to my identity and my freedom. I spent years and years trying to find my path, and every step of the way I was giving shape to an identity that was making me happier and happier because It meant It was being polished over and over again until I could say I was becoming more of what I truly dreamed of. I went from finishing my law degree to deciding that I definitely didn't want to dedicate my life to that, and instead pursue a life outdoors, working (because I love working and earning my money) in jobs that one could think of a dream job... that It doesnt even seem like a job, more like a pleasure to perform. Jobs as, climbing mountains, skiing in beautiful mountains of the world, being around tourists, spas, sports, nature, animals, and privileged views of the world. 
So, on and on my identity was created to a perfection and everything I did made sense with this image that I had of myself. Im sure a lot of people create their identities the same way and hold on to that concept because It makes them feel whole. Like, as I was saying.. all this people in instagram... some hold on to the image of being vegan, others to being mountaineers, other adventurers, and so on. What they might not realize, and may not even go through this experience because I guess not everybody goes through it, is that that identity in ephemeral, and is not something that they own. Is just a temporary stage in their life, something that can be taken away any time, with no advice, and then,.... what do you do?
I became a mother, yes, I did want to find my soulmate and have a baby, thats actually all I wanted because It seemed so out of reach for a person like me... with no fixed roots,..constantly moving around (not like every month, but I lived in each place for about 6 months). So... I became a mother, and at this point I really feel vulnerable, almost like when youre 12,13 or 14 trying to find an identity... the person that I identified with before, I cant even hold on to that, or brag about that, or even dress like that because TODAY, is not here, theres no place for her here and now. Theres no point in wearing my typical hikking shoes that before it did make sense because I was always hiking, if im looking after max (my toddler) and most days Im not hikking, at most im pushing his pram in a natural park. All my camping gear, my snowboard and ski gear, my bike gear, all those precious possesions that I have, I cant even use them at the moment because Im with Max all the time. And also, a BIG IMPORTANT FACT, to be an explorer, an adventurer and all that, you need INSPIRATION and MOTIVATION,... basically you need to be fueled by a lot of energy. And when youre a mom, a normal day for me is waking up every 1,2, or 3 hours at night (all night long), and sorting max out. So Im tired, I dont have a lot of motivation, I dont have a lot of inspiration, and sometimes I feel like I have to push myself out the house to achieve the biggest everest of all: go to the park with max.
Thats what is like being a mother. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes very tiring, but most of all, Its a change of your identity, and Im sure time will bring my old identity back, or a new one similar to the one i left behind, but at the moment it just feels crazy, like trying to hold on to pieces of me that can be held, because theres no place for them now, and trying to find contentment in a new identity that feels totally foreign still. 
Sometimes I also feel misunderstood, because people think that youre depressed because youre kid takes too much of your time, attention, actually, all of it. And so they think the solution is so easy, stop giving excuses and find a job. But it doesnt work like that. When you lack of motivation, when youre tired, and youre not aligned with yourself... its hard to do something about it. Im not aligned with myself because "maybe" my mind thinks it would solve the problem to find a job, but my heart tells me maybe not. So im not aligned. Part of me thinks its a process that Im going through and I just have to keep on going, however good or bad at the time, because it will come to an end. Max will grow, he will become more independent, I will start having the rest, the motivation and inspiration to find something to do that I really want to do, and feel happier and whole again. But at the moment there are no cheap solutions. I really feel like a self pressure to work... because it feels its what i would "have to do". To stop being lazy and work. But Im totally out of my comfort zone, If Im a BEE, I see no flowers around me. Im totally confused. I really want to make honey but there are absolutely no flowers near me, at least not that I can recognice.. the flowers that I used to go to. 
All I know up until now is that I used to LOVE working in hospitality and also, moving around a lot. I wouldnt settle in a place for a year. So now, Its so confusing, I dont even know where to start. I used to work in places with mountains and now im living in a flat village in england. with zero extreme sports. honestly I dont know where to start. Im like a fish in supermarket... like. wheres my water? Im a bird in a soup. Wheres my tree?
All I ask is a bit of compassion from this universe so I can have my joy back, my sense of "control?" of life, and Maybe if for some reason this process is exactly what i need to grow or whatever, then ok, Ill accept the lack of freedom, the whatevers I dont have anymore, but all I want is to feel joy again.


thanks for reading,

Carolina.

BE REAL

There is something about being back home in Chile that triggers in me deep feelings, profound changes in my psyche. It must be being in Santiago so close to the Andes that has a special energy. Not the energy of the city, but the energy of this massive long mountain range. Maybe the energy of the city as well.
One part of me feels a rush of anxiety every now and then, it ebbs and flows... comes and goes. Deep healing, conflicting feelings coming to the surface. 
It has always been this way, specially here in Santiago.

Everything seems to emotionally challenge me, even when I spend most time inside my house. I wouldn't judge it as negative or positive, maybe even more as positive, because at first it feels uncomfortable, but slowly it gives me so much insight and wisdom about what is happening and to understand myself and the world around me.

I realize that I should not listen to other people too much, maybe not even at all. Only the things that inspire me I should listen to. Many times people say things that goes against our intuition, our inner guidance and truth, and it happens so frequently that we end up believing it. The problem with this is that we end up so used to denying our own guts and truth that the little voice that speaks in our consciousness ends up being so faint we can barely know what is saying anymore. 

We are so used to being "proven wrong" (although in the end we realize we were right all the way) that we are used to follow other people in spite of our own feelings. We do this since we can remember. Its just like instagram, everybody follows everybody, and everybody follows certain unspoken rules of how to proceed. Then, some things are considered big "no no's" and everybody follows the unspoken rules to fit in. But all the great creative geniuses in the world were lonely in this. They followed their own beings, their own truth, and they were many times rejected because they were so unique that no one could understand them. And later on, usually after they die, stuff that they did become a massive trend, and all the people as sheep decide to follow that pattern that once was criticized.

Being Unique is something that will hardly ever be welcome. Because to be unique is to follow your own truth, to do what resonates with you. And most people are wired to instantly reject the "different", until a big mass of people decide to follow that pattern and then it becomes accepted. 

I've always wanted to share my experiences and the bits of wisdom and knowledge about life they left me, and thought a book could be the best way. So in 2013 I wrote my first book. I only printed 5 copies. I gave them all to the important people in my life. 

Recently, someone suggested I could do it through social media, specially through Instagram, so I started uploading some pictures of my life, my experiences, deep things. Just with my phone camera, which is just a random phone and a very out of date camera, (say it has 2 pixels hahah). To me, the quality of the picture wasn't the important, also, I wanted to capture real moments, just as they were, not fixing everything to make a moment look more perfect than what it is. A lot of people followed me one day, and the next week the same people unfollowed me. And then people started telling me that I should take better pictures, better quality and sort of edit a bit the content, because "no one really wants to know about real life, everybody uses instagram to escape their real life".

And I went through popular accounts, of people that on the surface are similar to me. People that like to travel, people that follow their dreams, their intuition, people that likes spirituality, people that are conscious about life, and so and so. And Honestly I was a bit shocked about the result. Everything seemed to be so fake. It still doesn't stop amusing me. I'm not talking about every account, I'm talking specifically about the "influencers", people that other people follow in masses. Its crazy, sooooooooooo many different people posting yoga poses on incredible locations... is that really yoga? Do you really think people in India invented yoga to do a out of this world pose in front of a tropical beach as if it was purely fashion? its clear to me that they are just trying to sell. Another western trend. That is not yoga. I dont even know what yoga is, but the feeling that I get from this accounts is nothing spiritual, is just someone trying to catch your interest by being ultra flexible and being in an amazing landscape. It has nothing in depth, no meditation, no spirituality.

Also, a lot of accounts about mothers and babies, like me. But all of them so fake... so full of the same stuff. Nothing real. I know they say, real doesn't sell. But how come! the whole feeling about it is fake. 

People seem to just go about like sheep even on internet. The tremendous amount of people publishing pictures of vegan stuff, vegan parenting (is that REALLY A THING??), eating healthy, its purely a trend. All of them using the same kind of glass, all of them doing the same smoothies,all of them eating the same spirulina, tumeric, chia, bla bla. Its the lack of originality that amazes me. No one is really showing their true self, I know this for sure because no human is a copy of another human, but on Instagram you see thousands of copies of everybody. You see 10 pictures of someone that on the surface appears as interesting and then youre bored because its just one more skinny girl doing a crazy pose in front of the beach, another skinny girl with the same hippie clothes and same cristals hanging on their necks with a detox jar in their hands, another vegan recipy, another van with people having fun. But its just IMAGES. Im interested in their REAL personalities. You cant see them, because they are all so "standard". People behave 100% like sheep, its ridiculous.

Trends are ridiculous. Every "hippish" person having a birth on a swimming pool, really? did you really want that? Every person being vegan... I don't believe it. Its just a mere trend. I know it. I can see it. I know it because ever since I was little I never liked meat. But I actually didn't like it. not that I thought oohhh Id better become vegan. And If i went out to someones house for dinner I would eat meat to not be rude... and I would occasionally eat meat in my house if there wasn't other food when I was a teen. But I never really enjoyed eating it, but I never defined myself as vegan or vegetarian. More over, those words didn't even exist. I just didn't like meat and I said that. But now that its trend, a new "term" exists. and people wear it on their sleeves. F off!!! hahahaha

That's all I want to say. I feel good to have so much clarity about this, stay true to who you are, THAT'S THE PATH, not the other. Not to follow the crowd like a sheep.

TRAVEL LIFE AND HAVING A PURPOSE

I have strong emotions in relation to social media lately. A part of me tells me to chill... who cares what people do with their lives or even if they're pretending, or faking, or whatever. Its not my business.. my business is my life. But my more human side, who doesn't care about anything, just feels and expresses, gets angry and annoyed and critic.
And after all, its not about all the people "out there" faking to have the perfect life, it might be what I FEEL about that in my own expectations that annoys me.

Anyway, I have a tremendous desire to open my wings and fly free. Its always there when Im not feeling 100% free. I want to work also, I want to be productive or more than productive, feel that I have a purpose. I know I have a purpose with Max, my baby, but a more global purpose, something that Its more unique about me, not being a mom and the daily stuff that we all do. Something more personal. Something. I dont know.

But, the desire to break free is here. Always. Living in a Van was perfect, and we are coming for more. We are saving money to go again in another van. Something more 4x4. The only thing that we need to do this time is to have a purpose while traveling. Sometimes too much free time makes you feel youre not doing anything with your life. Thats a gift, to be able to have spare time. But also we need a purpose, a mission, something that we look forward to. It would be perfect if that gave us money also so we could travel, work and have a purpose.

I am now in Chile... its been hard at first. My first instinct is to run away... to the unknown. Then comes England. in two more months we are going back to England for some months to make money. Not quite looking forward... since it feels like "home" as well... I just want to get on a vehicle and disappear into whatever lands we find. I cant help it. I was born wanting to explore.

I want to share with the world (whatever world means) a life, a real life. And there are millions of people that have a real life. A life with day to day things.... things that to the eyes of the majority are nothing.. but to my eyes, it is real life. A life with love, loss.. happiness, boredom, enthusiasm, lack of motivations, ups and downs... an adventure. A life full of not knowing whats next. A life with an open mind. I look back and I've been so many different things... And even in periods where it seemed forever at the time, after some time, the complete opposite was manifested.
I've been through stages in my life, of a year, or maybe more, a year and a half of being like a monk in my moms house. I didnt want to go anywhere. I spent time with plants. I was afraid. I had had cancer for a month, and I was too emotionally vulnerable, too angelic... too sensitive to every energy... to magical... too emotional for this world. So I just spend time with my books and plants. And just a couple friends. I didnt wanna see many people. I still kept my sense of humour but I enjoyed my jokes at home.
And I thought that was going to last forever, I had no clue how I was going to get out of that state. I didnt see myself brave enough to go out in this world with so much energy around me. But guess what. It happened. Now I feel 1% of what I felt then. Now I dont feel as much. By choice. Im less sensitive to other energy, I grew a thicker skin. I can still feel but I dont give a #"!#!" hahah... before, It was too much to take.
And then all this happened... I went to work in Patagonia, I went to work in Canada, I spend years travelling, I met Simon, we had Max, so many things in so little years. 7 years to be exact. in 7 years all this has happened.
So life changes, constantly. My life is an eternal adventure. Now Im here, Tomorrow Ill be there, and what comes next, comes next. I dont think I will ever want to settle, but if i Do, I might do, who knows.

Eternal change

Who would have said it. Three months have passed already since we started living in the van. Some months ago I was saying I needed adventure and now this journey to Spain is coming to an end. In a couple days I'm going to Chile with Max to visit the family and friends.
It has been a wonderful experience. The more I do things like this, the more I realize I have to carry on living like I am.
I want to mention two things I've learned:

First, spending all day together with someone else in a confined space its such a weird incredible experience. Its unbelievable how a tiny space can feel giant after you get used to it, how a place without rooms can end up having different spaces just by adding a curtain. The quickness arguments are resolved just for having to share such a little space. The joy of being close.... Its really AN EXPERIENCE.

second... At first I was traveling like just a coming and going...three months away... 10 months back...etc. this didnt have any mayor consequences for me. But now after all this years, I look back and Im starting to feel like a total alien. Its like I almost dont belong to anywhere in particular. Im pretty sure I dont even speak fluent spanish anymore...obviously i do...but do you know how with time usually new slang words come in trend and everybody your age in a country uses them...and theres a way of speaking...bla bla. When you are away for so long... Your brain gets used to speaking in different ways and then when you speak your native language you speak with a weirdness...
Also.. In the last few years Ive been back to my country every year but not for so long as to REALLY become again part of it. Im so outdated... Its crazy how the more time passes the less I can identify myself with anything...the more my world grows...the more my identity spreads like a mist in the mountains...just moves...spreads... Difficult to pinpoint...to define...to delimit. So...its like I dont exactly know whats my purpose or my place anymore. But who cares. Im happy and every day more sure that i LOVE MOVING. Wandering... My capacity to adapt to change is my middle name.

And third. I know I said I was only going to mention two things, but also ... Do you know when you really want something you are willing to do anything for it? Thats how I've always felt about traveling. i dont mind losing comodities...my beloved and obsessive access to a washing machine 24/7... A nice shower...a toilet..etc. My whole body jumps of excitement everytime we start a new adventure.

HIJOS: AMAR TAMBIÉN SIGNIFICA DAR ESPACIO

Desde que nació mi hijo, siempre he dado todo de mí para amarlo y honrarlo. Siento que hasta me he pasado de la raya siendo tan atenta. He estado un año completo absolutamente a su servicio. Partiendo porque me desviví buscando un lugar para tenerlo de forma natural, sin anestesia, sin intervención de doctores, y así sucedió. Desde el primer momento dormí con el en la misma cama, siempre presente para que al más minimo llanto yo estuviera ahi para ayudarlo a volver a dormir. Ahora ya tiene un año y sigue tomando de mi leche en la noche, sigo durmiendo con el, y su padre duerme en otra cama. No es que yo quisiera necesariamente hacer esto, sino que no le quería fallar en ningun sentido para que fuera un ser lleno de amor cuando creciera. Incluso cuando le salieron los dientes de arriba, me mordió una vez al amamantar, y como cada día seguia tomando leche, la herida nunca se podía cicatrizar. Tenía un tajo abierto en el pezón que sangraba cada vez que el tomaba leche, que me dolía a morir, y seguía persistente en darle leche para que no se me cortara. Con esto intento explicar que he puesto todo mi empeño en hacer las cosas con mi más alto estándar que puedo entregar.

Bueno, ahora que miro hacia atrás, y que me detengo a sentir según lo que estoy viviendo, me doy cuenta que en mi caso en particular, tengo que entender que amar también significa dar espacio. Espacio para que él viva todas sus emociones, crezca, y experimente. Experimente cosas agradables y desagradables. Y yo, por intentar darle la infancia más cariñosa y de amor posible, evitaba cualquier llanto, constantemente pasándole cosas para comer en el coche para que se distrajera y no llorara, cuando ponía mala cara distraerlo mostrándole un perro que pasó, cosas así. Incluso cada día de su vida hasta hace un tiempo atrás lo llevaba a grupos de mamas y bebes para que jugara y tuviera una vida entretenida. Y al final, me doy cuenta que estos últimos meses se ha convertido en un pequeño monstruito. No puedo llevarlo en el coche por más de 1 minuto porque se vuelve loco. Muy rara vez quiere jugar solo, esta siempre demandando atención, gritando, alegando. No le pasan algo que quiere y por poco que echa el mundo abajo. Entonces literalmente, mientras más hago, menos funciona.

En las noches por ejemplo, TODAVÍA (y eso que tiene 1 año) se despierta unas 10 veces. Y yo tengo que darle en el gusto en todo osino grita. Y sus gritos me perforan el tímpano entonces corro a ayudarlo para que me deje tranquila. Por ejemplo, una noche común y corriente lo acostamos a dormir a las 7pm. Tipo 8pm ya se despierta la primera vez. Después a las 8.20, capaz que después a las 10:30, luego a las 11.40, luego a las 2 am. Así más o menos. Algunas noches realmente buenas se despierta unas 3 o 4 veces sin show. Simplemente toma una mamadera y sigue durmiendo. Pero ahora veo que esa no es la solución. Tengo que ser un poco más firme, y darme cuenta que en mi caso, ESTE CASO, amar significa dejarlo vivir la frustración, dejarlo vivir las emociones que necesita vivir, y yo también vivir mi vida. Dejar de ser tan esclava de el, que no puedo tener ni un segundo de vida amorosa con mi pareja porque estamos constantemente nerviosos de que va a hacer un escándalo.

Hoy por ejemplo, no cedimos. Estaba lloviendo, y el haciendo un show enorme en el coche. Parecía que le iba a reventar la cabeza de tanto que gritaba. Lo dejamos gritar todo el trayecto, 40 minutos caminando. Y al final, se calmó, y ahora está jugando tranquilamente solo. y me pregunto... de qué sirve tanto intervenir y ayudarlo tanto. Estaría siendo como esas típicas mamas que intervienen demasiado y no se dan cuenta que sus hijos necesitan crecer y aprender de la vida. Que les hacen todo a sus hijos por protegerlos y al final no los ayudan. Y yo por ejemplo, se que mi hijo es exquisito, un tierno, y super amoroso, pero tengo que admitir que los dos últimos meses está insoportable. Hay que dar gracias al cielo los días que amanece de buen humor, el resto de los días, llora por todo.

Ah! y se me olvido mencionar, llevo UN AÑO COMPLETO haciéndolo dormir sus siestas en esas mochilas que son para llevar bebes. Imagínense!! y duerme 2 siestas diarias. Osea literalmente soy su esclava. Es decir, necesita dormir al rededor de las 11 am, y luego aproximadamente a las 4pm. Esas dos siestas lo tengo que poner en la mochila, y caminar y caminar cantándole hasta que se quede dormido, y una vez que esta dormido, seguir caminando por una hora y tanto hasta que despierte, o sentarme quieta mientras el duerme.  Y pesa como 12 kilos!!! y lo tengo que hacer dos veces al día!

Imagínense que yo he preguntado, y hay bebes que al año ya con suerte duermen siesta, mamas que ni hacen tanto esfuerzo, y las felicito. O sea, a mi me gusta caminar, no hay problema, pero sí derrepente me siento media webona de todo el esfuerzo que hago por este hijo que más encima me paga con tanto mal humor. Y lo adoro, es un exquisito y siempre risueño cuando jugamos. Pero últimamente se ha puesto mala la cosa siento porque la VIDA ya me está tirando la indirecta que es hora que yo tome un poco más de distancia. No sé si distancia es la palabra, porque a pesar de lo difícil, yo me "acostumbre" a no tener vida más que servirlo a el, y en cierta forma, darle este espacio me da espacio a mi para yo volver a enfocarme en mi.

Y ahora, en este momento, siento que no es opción, porque lo tengo que hacer por el. Yo podría decir, ahhh no, prefiero servirlo a el, y que mi vida sea eso, total ya me acostumbre. Y realmente, si, no me molesta hacer todo esto por el, hasta lo disfruto. Pero el problema es el resultado. El resultado es un niño absolutamente insoportable, constantemente llorando y alegando por TODO. Entonces, por su bien, tendré que ser distante. No le voy a poder dar en el gusto en todo, tendré que aprender a soportar sus llantos y dejar que sucedan, ignorarlo cuando esté haciendo un escándalo, jugar con el cuando esté agradable.

Gracias.