All I know at the moment is that I have no clue about who I am, what am I supposed to be doing to be happy or where did my old self go. I'll explain. A lot of people I see on social media, like instagram seems to have their life figured out and they like to give a lot of advice. I've also done the same in the past. You think you've reached somewhere in life so you think you know something relevant for others to know as well, like a bit of wisdom. However, becoming a mother for me has been the biggest change to my identity and my freedom. I spent years and years trying to find my path, and every step of the way I was giving shape to an identity that was making me happier and happier because It meant It was being polished over and over again until I could say I was becoming more of what I truly dreamed of. I went from finishing my law degree to deciding that I definitely didn't want to dedicate my life to that, and instead pursue a life outdoors, working (because I love working and earning my money) in jobs that one could think of a dream job... that It doesnt even seem like a job, more like a pleasure to perform. Jobs as, climbing mountains, skiing in beautiful mountains of the world, being around tourists, spas, sports, nature, animals, and privileged views of the world.
So, on and on my identity was created to a perfection and everything I did made sense with this image that I had of myself. Im sure a lot of people create their identities the same way and hold on to that concept because It makes them feel whole. Like, as I was saying.. all this people in instagram... some hold on to the image of being vegan, others to being mountaineers, other adventurers, and so on. What they might not realize, and may not even go through this experience because I guess not everybody goes through it, is that that identity in ephemeral, and is not something that they own. Is just a temporary stage in their life, something that can be taken away any time, with no advice, and then,.... what do you do?
I became a mother, yes, I did want to find my soulmate and have a baby, thats actually all I wanted because It seemed so out of reach for a person like me... with no fixed roots,..constantly moving around (not like every month, but I lived in each place for about 6 months). So... I became a mother, and at this point I really feel vulnerable, almost like when youre 12,13 or 14 trying to find an identity... the person that I identified with before, I cant even hold on to that, or brag about that, or even dress like that because TODAY, is not here, theres no place for her here and now. Theres no point in wearing my typical hikking shoes that before it did make sense because I was always hiking, if im looking after max (my toddler) and most days Im not hikking, at most im pushing his pram in a natural park. All my camping gear, my snowboard and ski gear, my bike gear, all those precious possesions that I have, I cant even use them at the moment because Im with Max all the time. And also, a BIG IMPORTANT FACT, to be an explorer, an adventurer and all that, you need INSPIRATION and MOTIVATION,... basically you need to be fueled by a lot of energy. And when youre a mom, a normal day for me is waking up every 1,2, or 3 hours at night (all night long), and sorting max out. So Im tired, I dont have a lot of motivation, I dont have a lot of inspiration, and sometimes I feel like I have to push myself out the house to achieve the biggest everest of all: go to the park with max.
Thats what is like being a mother. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes very tiring, but most of all, Its a change of your identity, and Im sure time will bring my old identity back, or a new one similar to the one i left behind, but at the moment it just feels crazy, like trying to hold on to pieces of me that can be held, because theres no place for them now, and trying to find contentment in a new identity that feels totally foreign still.
Sometimes I also feel misunderstood, because people think that youre depressed because youre kid takes too much of your time, attention, actually, all of it. And so they think the solution is so easy, stop giving excuses and find a job. But it doesnt work like that. When you lack of motivation, when youre tired, and youre not aligned with yourself... its hard to do something about it. Im not aligned with myself because "maybe" my mind thinks it would solve the problem to find a job, but my heart tells me maybe not. So im not aligned. Part of me thinks its a process that Im going through and I just have to keep on going, however good or bad at the time, because it will come to an end. Max will grow, he will become more independent, I will start having the rest, the motivation and inspiration to find something to do that I really want to do, and feel happier and whole again. But at the moment there are no cheap solutions. I really feel like a self pressure to work... because it feels its what i would "have to do". To stop being lazy and work. But Im totally out of my comfort zone, If Im a BEE, I see no flowers around me. Im totally confused. I really want to make honey but there are absolutely no flowers near me, at least not that I can recognice.. the flowers that I used to go to.
All I know up until now is that I used to LOVE working in hospitality and also, moving around a lot. I wouldnt settle in a place for a year. So now, Its so confusing, I dont even know where to start. I used to work in places with mountains and now im living in a flat village in england. with zero extreme sports. honestly I dont know where to start. Im like a fish in supermarket... like. wheres my water? Im a bird in a soup. Wheres my tree?
All I ask is a bit of compassion from this universe so I can have my joy back, my sense of "control?" of life, and Maybe if for some reason this process is exactly what i need to grow or whatever, then ok, Ill accept the lack of freedom, the whatevers I dont have anymore, but all I want is to feel joy again.
thanks for reading,
Carolina.
So, on and on my identity was created to a perfection and everything I did made sense with this image that I had of myself. Im sure a lot of people create their identities the same way and hold on to that concept because It makes them feel whole. Like, as I was saying.. all this people in instagram... some hold on to the image of being vegan, others to being mountaineers, other adventurers, and so on. What they might not realize, and may not even go through this experience because I guess not everybody goes through it, is that that identity in ephemeral, and is not something that they own. Is just a temporary stage in their life, something that can be taken away any time, with no advice, and then,.... what do you do?
I became a mother, yes, I did want to find my soulmate and have a baby, thats actually all I wanted because It seemed so out of reach for a person like me... with no fixed roots,..constantly moving around (not like every month, but I lived in each place for about 6 months). So... I became a mother, and at this point I really feel vulnerable, almost like when youre 12,13 or 14 trying to find an identity... the person that I identified with before, I cant even hold on to that, or brag about that, or even dress like that because TODAY, is not here, theres no place for her here and now. Theres no point in wearing my typical hikking shoes that before it did make sense because I was always hiking, if im looking after max (my toddler) and most days Im not hikking, at most im pushing his pram in a natural park. All my camping gear, my snowboard and ski gear, my bike gear, all those precious possesions that I have, I cant even use them at the moment because Im with Max all the time. And also, a BIG IMPORTANT FACT, to be an explorer, an adventurer and all that, you need INSPIRATION and MOTIVATION,... basically you need to be fueled by a lot of energy. And when youre a mom, a normal day for me is waking up every 1,2, or 3 hours at night (all night long), and sorting max out. So Im tired, I dont have a lot of motivation, I dont have a lot of inspiration, and sometimes I feel like I have to push myself out the house to achieve the biggest everest of all: go to the park with max.
Thats what is like being a mother. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes very tiring, but most of all, Its a change of your identity, and Im sure time will bring my old identity back, or a new one similar to the one i left behind, but at the moment it just feels crazy, like trying to hold on to pieces of me that can be held, because theres no place for them now, and trying to find contentment in a new identity that feels totally foreign still.
Sometimes I also feel misunderstood, because people think that youre depressed because youre kid takes too much of your time, attention, actually, all of it. And so they think the solution is so easy, stop giving excuses and find a job. But it doesnt work like that. When you lack of motivation, when youre tired, and youre not aligned with yourself... its hard to do something about it. Im not aligned with myself because "maybe" my mind thinks it would solve the problem to find a job, but my heart tells me maybe not. So im not aligned. Part of me thinks its a process that Im going through and I just have to keep on going, however good or bad at the time, because it will come to an end. Max will grow, he will become more independent, I will start having the rest, the motivation and inspiration to find something to do that I really want to do, and feel happier and whole again. But at the moment there are no cheap solutions. I really feel like a self pressure to work... because it feels its what i would "have to do". To stop being lazy and work. But Im totally out of my comfort zone, If Im a BEE, I see no flowers around me. Im totally confused. I really want to make honey but there are absolutely no flowers near me, at least not that I can recognice.. the flowers that I used to go to.
All I know up until now is that I used to LOVE working in hospitality and also, moving around a lot. I wouldnt settle in a place for a year. So now, Its so confusing, I dont even know where to start. I used to work in places with mountains and now im living in a flat village in england. with zero extreme sports. honestly I dont know where to start. Im like a fish in supermarket... like. wheres my water? Im a bird in a soup. Wheres my tree?
All I ask is a bit of compassion from this universe so I can have my joy back, my sense of "control?" of life, and Maybe if for some reason this process is exactly what i need to grow or whatever, then ok, Ill accept the lack of freedom, the whatevers I dont have anymore, but all I want is to feel joy again.
thanks for reading,
Carolina.
